I am going to be honest with you. I have had more breakdowns in the last 3 months than in the last 3 years. My anxiety has always been bad, but now it’s incredibly hard to manage through. At times feel trapped, in a hamster wheel constantly moving forward only to lead to nowhere.
The last 3 months have felt like a century and it feels like it has been literally one thing after another, with no pause to catch your breath. It’s hard to believe we are halfway through the year because it’s been such a struggle to push through.
At the beginning of the year, the world was shut down from COVID. And although I learned a lot from what’s currently happening, I have to say at almost 3 months in, I’m at my wit’s end. The work from home and stay at home has been really testing my patience, and I think my ability as a mom at times. It is SO difficult to try and be it all, every day, all day. To get your work done, attend your meetings, and at the same time try to be present and make sure your kids are well taken care of. Honestly, some days it is great. But after being home for this long, we’re all going a little stir crazy.
Shortly after Covid hit, my grandma, who is one of my best friends in the entire world, came down with a sickness. She was not feeling well at the end of March, and despite “doctor’s best efforts’’ she passed on April 16th. The worst part of it all, was that I could not be there for her funeral. I could not be there to console my family, to hug my mother, and properly say goodbye. I had to sit in my living room and cried at my computer while watching it all.
It’s completely frustrating when you try to do all the right things, practice social distancing and staying home as much as possible, and you see others going about their business, as if the virus doesn’t affect them at all. Whether you believe it is a big deal or not, whether you think it is just “some flu” it affects every single one of us. It is not fair that I decided to do the right thing, by not being there for my grandma while others could care less. It is not fair that I stay at home every day while people go out unnecessarily and potentially spread it even more.
My 4 year old asks me almost every day whether or not “the virus has gone away” yet. And every day my answer is the same, “hopefully soon.” I thank god every day for my kids because they are the motivation for whatever little strength that I have in me to get through each day, hopeful.
There is another war that we are fighting right now. All of it is so hard to see. I am so terrified of how the world is today. I am so scared of the world my kid will live in if we do not change today.
Depressed, scared, anxious, and worried. If that is how you feel, know that you are not alone. And it is OK to feel that. The world is a scary place right now. And I do not think anyone right now has their sh*t together every single second of the day. I think we are all wanting to for it to get better, but do not know if it will. We are all facing the fear of the many unknowns.
We just must take it one day at a time and do what we can. Stand up for what is right peacefully. Support and love one another. Express empathy to everyone you meet, be respectful and smile (and keep 6 feet distance) to those that may come across our paths. We are all hurting in some way. None of us know how the rest of the year will go, but we can do our part to spread love TO ALL instead of hate. A little kindness goes a long way.