Every time that family leaves, it prompts me to write, because that is when I’m in my feelings the most.
It has been a chaotic but fulfilling last few weeks. I’m always super grateful when my grandparents come to town to spend time with us. They spoil me rotten when they come. And by spoil, I mean cooked dinners and my kids bathed when I come home from work.
I know it’s not always easy with the cost of living in Hawaii, but they always manage to come and I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have these visits to look forward to throughout the months.
And having AJ with us for the last few weeks makes me feel complete, even though a few times a year is NOWHERE NEAR ENOUGH. And it pains me that the decision I made a few years ago has led me to where we currently are. Of course, I’m always hopeful that things will change sooner rather than later, but I still shoot myself in the foot and feel like a bad mom for not being there physically for my son every week like before.
Goodbye, for now…
Even though I say this every time, this goodbye was so much harder than the last one. This time Mila kicked and screamed, “I want to go on the airplane.” I just tried to explain that she needed a ticket and that we couldn’t just go, but she refused to hear what I had to say. And I don’t blame her.
How can I expect her to understand and rationalize why we can’t all be together all the time at 3 years old? So I did the only thing I could do: I let her cry her eyes out and hugged her as tight as I could, fighting back tears myself.
As I mentioned before in a previous post, this is NOT how I envisioned things would be when I moved.
It is PURE torture to take my kids away from each other.
There are honestly no words in the world to describe that painful feeling. The only way I can describe the pain that comes with having to separate your children is like a wound that heals a little with treatment (keeping ourselves busy and lots of face time every day) and reopening the cut with each goodbye.
Moving here I thought that we would have a better life. And for the most part, we have. I’d like to think that I am providing the best life for my kids by giving them a comfortable home over their heads and a place where they can grow and we can explore and do other things as a family.
But at the same time, I thought my son would be living with us by now. When we first started talking about making the move to Vegas, that was the plan. But now, almost 13, his priorities have changed.
As much as I know he loves me and this side of his family, Hawaii is his comfort and all he knows. I get it, for that was me at one point.
But forcing him to live with me because I feel like that’s the best decision for his life just means a custody battle and forcing him to live where he isn’t ready to live.
I have to trust that one day he will see the bigger picture.
That as much as I love my family and the fact that I’m home sick 80% of the time, it wouldn’t be realistic for us to move back to Hawaii, not yet anyway.
We would be paying (for rent) more for a 1 bedroom there than our 4 bedroom home here for a family of 5. We would be spending double the amount on groceries and child necessities. We would be living day to day without the means to really plan for their future.
Again, I’m SO grateful for where life has brought me. Moving here as allowed me to mature and do things I didn’t think I could do. I’ve grown as a person and was forced to take “adulting” to another level. I can’t help but be thankful for all the things I’ve learned in the last few years, the job that I was able to get, and Keira being born and brought into our lives.
Going through all of this has made me a much stronger person then I thought I was capable of and has taught me so much. I’m going share a few things of what this experience I’m currently going through has taught me.
Enjoy every moment
Sounds a bit cliche but it is so TRUE. Because you can NEVER have them back. If I could rewind back a few years before we moved here, knowing that AJ wouldn’t be moving in with us as soon as planned, things would’ve been different.
I wouldn’t have left.
I don’t know where our lives would be know if we hadn’t left and I’m not going to stress myself trying to figure it out. But I do wish I had more time and moments to hold on to. Moments that I slowed down from the hustle and bustle and just take a moment to breathe with my kids.
Everything always changes
The reason why I say hold on and cherish the moments is that everything is constantly changing. As time passes, everyone grows older. And people change. I look at my son now, and I see the same little boy…but then I don’t. Of course, now he towers over me and eats like a horse. But he also wants his privacy, thinks some of the things I do isn’t cool and spends a lot of time preoccupied on his phone.
Gone are the times where he NEEDED me. Gone are the times where I was his one (and only) world. He needs me in a different way now, but I can’t give him what I want 100% because of the distance. And it pains me so much. So as times change, so will you, and so will your kids. Accept what you can and adapt to what’s best for you and your family.
The grass isn’t always greener
I am still in the process of learning to be grateful for what I do have. More often then I’d like, I’m comparing my life to others, who no doubt have their own struggles. Most people will show you what you want to see. Don’t compare your first step to someone’s 100th step.
The reason why I bring this up is that before we moved I was looking at all the other people my age buying houses and it made me have the sudden urge to buy my own house. Sure, it is hard to live with other people, but I think back and maybe I didn’t have to rush. My kids are little and they were content with where they were. I think back to my childhood and from what I can remember, was content with not having my own room until my teen years.
So, although I’m grateful to be able to own my home, it came with a cost of moving away from family and comfort and being away from my son (even if it ends up being temporary).
So till now, this is something that I’m constantly working on. I find myself at times trying to plan my “what next” move, instead of trusting that I’m right where I need to be in this moment of my life. Stop with the mindset of, “ If I do this, I can get this” if that is controlled by what you see from others, Focus on watering your own grass and nurturing your own, and trusting YOUR process.
Don’t let anyone tell you anything
There are probably only a few people besides family (and sometimes not even family) and close friends that genuinely care about what goes on your lives. With that said, don’t let anyone influence the decisions you make.
I do think that people have valid reasoning in what they may think is best for you, but only YOU and your spouse know what’s truly best for you and your family. I think that when we moved, my decisions were emotional, and not as well thought out and planned as I would’ve liked.
Again, I don’t regret any decisions I’ve made even though it may mean that I’m not with my family as often as I’d like because I have to trust that this is where I meant to be in this moment.
A lot of times, taking big risks comes with greater reward, but make sure that you are doing it to benefit YOUR family only and it’s not just based on what other people think is best.
The older I get, the faster time flies.
Spread love and kindness anywhere and everywhere you possibly can. Even though it may not be talked about or shown, each and every one of us have difficult challenges that we are facing. Hug and hold your kids tight each day and tell them that you love them no matter what. Cherish every minute because it only happens once.
I truly hope this post reminds all you mamas to make the most of each moment. If you like this post, please comment below and share.
Thank you for reading! XOXO