When I first found out I was pregnant with Keira, I have to be honest, I was dumbfounded. When my coworker had suggested I take a pregnancy test, I was determined to prove her wrong.
I remember taking the test and stepping into the shower. When I came out to glance at it, I immediately ran downstairs and started crying to my husband, and they weren’t happy tears. I was sad, shocked, anxious, confused and a little angry. This was not part of the plan.
A million thoughts ran in my head. I wasn’t ready for another kid. I was barely pulling myself together daily with a toddler. How was I going to manage 2 young ones? Mila was my baby, how was she going to react to that? How am I supposed to share my love, time, and attention into thirds?
And let me tell you, In the very beginning, it was hard.
I was completely overwhelmed & my anxiety was through the roof. I doubted my “mom skills” and thought that there was absolutely NO way that I was going to be able to handle this new love.
My whole pregnancy I felt like I couldn’t fully enjoy it. I was too worried to enjoy it. I was sad that I was thousands of miles away from family and they weren’t going to be there, and cried the nights leading up to my induction date, relishing on the last few days of Mila being my littlest little.
From about 7 months, I had endless nights of prodromal labor. At this point, I couldn’t stand for more than 20 minutes without my back hurting or my legs feeling like they would give out. I had weekly NST testing because they feared she would be too small and I was considered high risk due to my blood pressure and previous pregnancies with gestational diabetes.
At 38 weeks I was induced. And she knew it was time. I was already having consistent contractions, so they gave me Pitocin to intensify them. The epidural dosage they gave me was too much for my small frame and I became numb from the chest (instead of the waist) down. So they decided to turn it off, and suddenly I went from 6-10 centimeters in 30 minutes.
I started crying while pushing and I remember asking the doctor, Why does it hurt so bad?” She told me that to push through the pain because she was coming out. And so I pushed with every ounce I had in me, and after about 20 minutes of painful pushing (the hardest delivery for me) she came. 6 pounds and 13 oz of perfection. The moment that I laid eyes on her, I knew that everything would somehow turn out OK.
No doubt, the past year has been by far the most difficult of my life. Managing my time with two little girls while their big brother and half of their family is a thousand miles away has its challenges.
It’s funny how life can throw things your way. Things that you didn’t know you wanted, or things that you hadn’t planned for, but it turned out to be EXACTLY what you needed.
But having Keira has also been one of the greatest blessings that I could ever ask for.
She has taught me so many things within the last year.
My adorable littlest little Keira,
You have shown me your resilience. You wore your helmet for 22-23 hours a day for 4 months without a flinch. You have shown me your ambition by going from crawling to walking a few steps in a matter of weeks. You have shown me your wit with your head tilts and dance moves. You have shown me your strength and humor by using your feet as your second set of hands. You have shown me an overwhelming amount of love by the way you play with my hair, stare at my face and hold on to me tight.
Because of you, I was able to breastfeed for a year, something that I never thought I could accomplish. Because of you, I handled strength I forgot I had by enduring the labor pains after my epidural was turned off. Because of you, I pushed myself to start a blog and pursue my passion and dream.
You have shown me that love is endless. You have forced me to be more patient. You have reminded me that unplanned events are sometimes the greatest gifts. You have taught me that I can do anything I can put my mind to, no matter what the circumstances are, and have made me a better mom.
Your personality is really starting to show. You’re quiet and calm with a little feisty. You observe and study everything so carefully. You have a HUGE appetite and love music. You are a bit of a daredevil, something you got from your Dad.
You are the complete opposite of your siblings, and I see all 3 of you play together and my heart is so full and happy. I’m so grateful and feel so blessed that you came into our lives. You are the perfect addition to our little family.
I can’t wait to see what the future holds for you. The best is yet to come.
Happy 1st Birthday, my love!