My dad called me today. And he NEVER calls me. The last time he called me, it was to tell me that my grandpa was about to pass away. Just hearing his voice was enough to make me cry.
You see, growing up, even though my parents had joint custody, I was always close to my dad. Because it was just me and him on his days, I was pretty much a “Daddy’s girl” and glued to his hip; well more like his legs, because I often use to grip on them and he’d walk and drag me along.
He’d take me everywhere, even to UH football games with his friends when he very well could’ve asked family members to babysit. He’d never yell at me. Whenever he did get mad (and he rarely got mad) he would keep calm and quiet.
He would play the guitar for me and force me to drink vegetable smoothies he’d make himself since I refused to swallow vitamins. He was strict, and at the time I sort of hated him for it, but he was MY dad.
Then when I was about 13 years old, he got remarried, and things were never the same again.
My step mom was jealous of the bond that him and I had, and there were rarely any moments that I would have alone with him.
I distinctly remember getting ready to walk to school one day when he called me to tell me he had secretly left me some spending money in one of his shoes.
That’s the moment I knew we would never have that same relationship again.
She was the “new girl” in his life, and I was forced to share (if not give up) my time with him.
Fast forward 20 years later and my heart still drops every time I hear his voice.
No matter how much I feel like he’s abandoned me with his new life, there is a part of me that still longs to be his little girl. He wasn’t there to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day simply by choice. He wasn’t there when both my girls came into the world and isn’t there now to be there for them and teach them things that I can’t.
Now don’t get me wrong; my mom and granny have done an amazing job and have shaped and guided me to the woman I am today and what I aspire to be. And I’m an adult and fully capable of living my life without him, but a part of me always has hope that we can get to that place that we were so long ago.
But every brief conversation we have is just a reminder of the pain and void that exists because he is not in our lives. No matter where I am in life, regardless of the success and accomplishments I make and adventures I have, I’ll always feel like there is something missing.
This pain is something I could NEVER put my girls through. And that is why I say, a girl will ALWAYS need her father.